Well here we go!!

Well here we go!!

Okay guys,

It’s time,

I’m changing myself for the better and I’m taking you guys along with me.

So I’ve mentioned before that I gained weight quite quickly at the beginning of the year and it hasn’t budged….well, since then I have been put on antidepressants for my anxiety. For years I thought that if I worked hard enough I would be able to fix myself, why use medication…..

I’ve been on them for two months and I’m incredibly surprised at how good I’ve been feeling mentally lately. I was told that I would possibly gain more weight, have lowered libido, and become numb to my emotions. Thankfully, none of these side effects have occurred.

So to me that’s telling me that I was doing a lot worse than I thought. The fact that some tablets made me feel better than I have in so long made me realise that it was a good thing that i started to take them.

I’m usually a very stubborn person and I like to think I can do everything by my self. This isn’t the case. Although I can be very self motivated, in this situation I did need the help. Some people may be thinking “why dont you just talk to a psychologist and ditch the drugs?”, well I’m also doing that. And I don’t think I’d be a very good patient if I didn’t have that extra help.

I used to think I’d be ashamed of myself if I got help with my mental illness. My mind made me this way so why can’t my mind fix me? I now realise that it’s more than okay to have a little help, and just that little bit of help has motivated me to get serious about my physical health.

I’ve always enjoyed being active. I’ve done many many sports and dancing, I love swimming and I love the outdoors. Since I’ve been largely inactive this past 8 months due to my promotion, I often feel frumpy and oddly exhausted every day, and I truly believe that it’s because I have been so inactive after years and years of doing every activity under the sun.

So now to the point.

I’m officially starting my journey to physical and mental health. I’ve been saying that to my boyfriend for months, but something about documenting it and sharing it with people helps. I guess now people know, I’ll have to keep it up!

So time to get real and show what were working with. To give you an idea, I’m 5’2 and a very hourglass figure. I’ve never been called skinny and I’ve been fine with that! My waist is quite small and is usually a couple sizes smaller than my bust and bum. Okay….here are my starting photos!!!

I’m as big as I’ve ever been here, plus Ive been snacking, so the way I see it.. I can only get smaller!!

A toast to a healthier mind, body and soul!!

Until next time…

Positive talk day 8

Positive talk day 8

Sometimes I feel like I’ve run out of nice things to say to, or about myself. However, today was not a bad day. Today I accomplished some of what I wanted to. Now, some people may think this isn’t something positive, but the fact that I was awake, with no headache, not running off iced coffee, is a very good thing.

So frequently I feel exhausted at work, and I even consider quitting my job. Today I felt good.

Last night I finally went and saw my doctor and explained what had been going on. We made a plan, and even the smallest step in the right direction, has made me have one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time 👌🏻

When does my health matter more than my career…

When does my health matter more than my career…

I honestly like my job, but when do I say enough is enough. When can I put my health before my career?

In the short two years I have been working with the company I have been presented with some amazing opportunities. A lot of these opportunities involve travel. It’s a very unpredictable job. I don’t have a set 9-5 job… if something comes up, I’m there. And for the most part, I will sit there for a minute, then tell myself that I’ll get some good karma back my way if I do this.

Usually I don’t have a choice, if I’m asked to do something, I have to do it, it would be selfish not to right?

This year I started netball coaching, and I love it, but already this year, I’ve had to miss 4 training sessions.. the season only started a month ago. I’ve missed HALF of the training sessions. And I will miss another 3 for certain, this season.

I was brought up in a very good household. I was never babied or was given everything I wanted. I was raised with a Australian born German father. I was taught to work hard for what I want, and I do. I still will in the future…. but, I’m almost at the point where I need to decide.. do I do quit netball completely and just make sure I’m always available for work? Or, do keep juggling them both and keep letting my girls and my co-coach down.

She is not supposed to be coaching, she’s my mentor.. what kind of coach am I if I’m never there…

I’ve mentioned in previous posts how this year has been incredibly taxing on my physical and mental health, but it’s all come to a head. Work and social life are overlapping, old injuries have come back, new injuries have appeared, I have a constant migraine and I don’t even have any spare time go to the doctor without some questioning looks when I walk out the office early.

I’m good at keeping quiet and doing what I’m told. I don’t complain about being asked to do things that interfere with my social life, because work comes first. But what if I have no social life? What if I’m always so worried about impressing my bosses that I end up seriously sick.

I want to peruse a career that I love. One that I feel happy to wake up and go to work. Wherever it may be. I honestly enjoy my job. I went through uni to do this job, but something is nagging at me. Tugging my down.

I shouldn’t feel like I’m a disappointment to everyone, to my bosses, to my netball mentor, to my partner. This job is making me feel awful. Sometimes I wonder if I have convinced myself I like my job because I keep telling myself I do.

I would love to have a career making people happy, and encouraging people. Maybe I feel as though there is things going on within the company that I don’t agree with. Maybe I’m conflicted with what is expected of me and what I believe.

With all this stress going on at work, should I not be allowed to have some free time doing something I actually enjoy? I think I do deserve it. Work should not be my life, nor should it be anyone’s. Even if you love your job, make sure you give yourself some time, your family and your friends some time. There’s no point in working and making money if you have no life to use it.

My message to anyone reading, don’t give up your happiness. What’s a life without finding happiness. Find something that lifts you up, not something that drags you down. Your worth more than that.

Until next time…

Today I Showered

Today I Showered

Today, I showered

Today, I made my bed

Today, I woke up without a migraine

Today, I made myself feel beautiful and put on some makeup

Today, I put on my TV and it didn’t glitch out when the copious amounts of trains and trucks filling their trailers with grain drove past

Today, I think i like myself.

The start of this year i got promoted from a Trainee to a fully fledged member of the team. I was wary of the effect this much responsibility would have on me. First bad move. Thinking that from the beginning has made it that much worse.

I had a week of over Christmas and the new year and it was pretty good, although my whole immediate family contracted Gastro and we were banned from attending any Christmas festivities, my best childhood friend also forgot about out lunch date so i was left waiting for an hour before going home again. So Christmas… wasn’t the best but I saw my family, I spent time with my family and that’s what matters. Yes, it is, but for me i was angry and miserable the whole time.

New Years, at this point in time, i don’t even remember what we did…so i guess it wasn’t that good anyway if i cant remember….

My favourite part of that week off was the time we spent up the river with my sister and her family and friends. I felt relaxed, i had fun, i was peaceful. I SHOWED OFF MY BODY. I felt good about showing myself off……. so, what happened from there?

I went back to work. Fresh and ready to perform. Then the stress hit me. I had expectations coming from my boss and supervisor, I had expectations coming from the contractors i deal with, why wasn’t i fixing their problems? I had a trial that was put on hiatus while i was working interstate for two months and the data had accumulated. I felt like i had the weight on my shoulders. My old injury returned, my migraines returned….

For the first two weeks back at work, I was exhausted. I was eating well but, I was sleeping poorly and so during the work day, and when I got home, I would doze off. I was light headed and woozy. My boobs were so sore and tender that i thought i was pregnant! turns out i wasn’t and at the end of that two weeks, I got my period.

I then became miserable. Not so much exhausted anymore, but just down and miserable. I was depressed. I put on 6Kg and weigh more than I ever have. I was hanging out for my second week of leave which is now coming to an end. I had such high expectations of this past week. Jack and I went away to the beach and it was beautiful. The weather didn’t get good until the last two days, but we still enjoyed it. Well I thought i enjoyed it. I smiled, I laughed and i soaked up what little sun was there. But, I didn’t really feel truly happy. They we’re fleeting moments of happiness. Not that deep feeling in your gut where you honestly feel free from burden.

I can never get work off my mind. It’s always there, always pushing everything else out of my mind. It’s the most exhausting thing to experience. Having anxiety when you deal with people everyday is a struggle. You always feel like you’re being judged, and you always feel the need to exceed expectations. I’m working on that part of my life and that will be the biggest obstacle to if not overcome, but manage.

Today, This Friday, on my last day of leave for a while, I feel okay. At the beginning of this post I wrote a list of what i accomplished today. And just writing that list helps me feel even better. Guys, I actually got out of bed, made my bed, showered and had breakfast and coffee like a normal person! I even put on a fresh face of makeup because IT MAKES ME HAPPY. I’m not going anywhere today, at all…i’ll probably do a workout and then take off my makeup. But, I felt good, I FEEL good.

I started to think about why I felt better today, and it’s because I acknowledged my accomplishments. However small they were, I realised that they mattered, they were accomplishments because I hadn’t done these things in a long time. When you get into a slump, it can be hard to climb out, I’m still not out of the woods yet, I’ve just taken the first step. But that step is movement. That step is forward progression, that step is the beginning. That step is a step closer to where I wan’t to be. And if i don’t acknowledge the small steps I take, I’ll never progress and I’ll never feel at ease. I know I might have bad days but I can’t give up. I don’t like feeling this way, I don’t want to feel so down and out of focus.

I wan’t to enjoy my family and friends. I appreciate them, I appreciate the ones that have stuck by me when I’ve gone through rough times. I also appreciate the ones that left. They prompted me to make a change for the better. I need to focus on all the small goals i have reached and be proud. Because every goal reached is a milestone


Till next time,